Articles of Faith of Mormon Culture

1. We believe in SUVs and minivans, as the form of transportation, and in knee lengthshorts, which are always nice, and in multilevel marking.

2. We believe that church ball players should be punishedfor their own fouls, and not for unsportsmanlike aggression.

3. We believe that through bread crumbs, cheese, creamysoups, and rice all casseroles can be saved through obedience to wardcookbooks and creativity in the mixing bowl.

4. We believe that the first layers and ingredients of theDip are: first, beans; second, cheese; third, chopped tomatoes; fourth, thegift of sour cream; fifth, olives; sixth, salsa; seventh, guacamole, that is,if you have it.

5. We believe that a Mormon shouldhave a distinguished or a cute name, that it is appropriateto name a child after a church leader or a historical figure including anancestor, that alternative spellings and French prefixes only add to a name, and thatwhen referring to the names of General Authorities, middle initials should bea part thereof.

6. We believe in the same wall decor that exists in manyMormon homes, namely, framed family proclamations, vinyl lettering, inspirationalword signs, family photos, pictures of temples and Jesus, and so forth.

7. We believe in the gift of the re-gift, church books,crafts, family photos, baked goods, emergency supplykits, and so forth.

8. We believe in sparkling grape juice so long as it isnonalcoholic; we also believe in bringing root beer and sprite to ward parties.

9. We believe in all that we have scrapbooked, all that wewill now scrapbook, and we believe that we will yet scrapbook many great andimportant things pertaining to our family, friends, pets, and vacations.

10. We believe in the literal mixing of ketchup and mayo and in thegenerous application of ranch dressing;that CBAs (church-based acronyms) will be used to describeYM/YW, PEC, the Y, NCMO, and CTR; that Mitt Romneywill get Mormons to vote for him any time heruns; and, that the Mormons will enjoy readingTwilight and The Work and the Glory.

11. We claim the privilege of trying to identify commonacquaintances with any visitor at church, and allow all other people at church thesame privilege, and let them name drop the names of Famous and generalauthorities how, where, or what they may.

12. We believe in beingsubject to scoutmasters, pampered chef hostesses, and the writers ofthe U.S. News and World Report Rankings for professional schools, and inobeying, honoring, and sustaining Glenn Beck.13. We believe in being above average, good at crafts,optimistic, and being fifteen minutes late everywhere we go. Indeed, we may saythat we follow BYU football. We believe rumors about famous people joining thechurch, we hope to meet the three Nephites, we have endured many pyramidschemes, and hope to be able to endure all pyramid schemes. If there is anythingcheap, free, sold in bulk, or given away when somebody is moving, we seek afterthese things.